Maybe You Weren’t Meant to Know

I often think about this girl I knew when I was in high school, I’ll call her Liz. Liz went to a different school then I did but we lived close to each other. She was a tiny dark haired crystal blued eyed beauty. She kept her hair short and in tight curls, she often wore henna tattoos and had lots of piercings. She was obsessed with Ani Difranco. She dragged me to so many shows I ended up becoming a fan myself. Liz was the most delicate person I had ever met in my life, she was so fragile and it shows in the way she moved and talked, the way her eyes would scatter the space around you while she talked. To say she was unique would be a put down to the originality of who she was. She was a quiet force but a strong one that moved me in ways I hated because she would force me out of my comfort. She was an artist, she was a healer, and she was my first love.

We fell out of touch years after school, like many do. I heard from a friend she married some guy and has two kids and works a 9-5 job. Knowing her, she would have said she settled. It breaks my heart when I think how much water it took to put her fire out. The years I spent with her, she spent running from her father only to end up with his archetype. The man she would marry broke down her spirit over time and turned her into something basic with nothing but a memory of who she wanted to be. I wonder from time to time why she went with him, why she married him. What was it about him that made her feel so safe, so willing to forgo her own dreams to jump on his ship and sail his course?

What makes people settle? When I look back at my life I can pick out many moments when I knew I was making bad choices and I still let them play out. I put myself in all kinds of situations, my attitude would sway but I never forgot who I was. For me it was always about the story. I knew those bad choices would give me a story to tell some day, and those stories have become timeless to me, they have defined me. I make choices based on those experiences. I’ve never felt that I would live in those terrible decisions because I never felt trapped in them. When the fun was over I’d get into my car and drive on to the next thing. Being alone never troubled me, being lonely was impossible.

We make choices based on our experience, environment, convenience and complacency. What drives each of us is as different as our backgrounds, and motivations are not singular. I’ll probably never get the chance to ask her what her motivations were. Back then I took it all so personal and I held a lot of anger towards her. I spent time with her before she got married, and I saw how much she changed. Looking into her eyes I saw the same girl I saw when we were in high school. A girl running around lost, she had grown, but only in body.

Tori Releases her 15th Album for my Birthday

tori amos

She didn’t really, but it just happened to fall at the same time my birthday came around. It was a true treat to have new music from her. The last few albums have been a little hum drum for me so I didn’t go in with a whole heart. Once the first track got on it’s way, the lyrics, and piano, it was like heaven. I was connecting with her like I had once done many years ago. Tori’s music runs deep for me. I feel this album has circled it for me, I feel like her last albums were too mature for me, since I didn’t feel I was at a place in my life where I understood them, but this past year I have grown mountains and I’m looking at things differently.

I haven’t published anything in awhile, not because I don’t have anything to say, I have so much to say, but I’m filled with such anxiety over our current state of affairs. Everyday it’s something new, I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older that I’m so effected by this or if it’s just really that bad right now. It was only a year ago I was living a blissful life, and maybe that was ignoranance, but I trusted 44 wasn’t leading this country down a dark path of no return, now I’m not so sure.

Weeks feel like months, months feel with years with this guy and his administration. Everyday he tweets out some bullshit that the media runs with. He’s like an old man who just can’t let things go. He gets mad at someone or something and just goes on and on about it till something new comes along to fill him with rage. It’s exhausting to me. It’s only been ten months, ten months!! Not even a year and I can’t remember what it was like before he came along. It feels like I’ve been living this nightmare for as long as I can remember.

I honestly didn’t think it would last this long. I thought for sure he would have been plucked out of office just as fast as he sat down. Who’s to say what the near future holds for him and his administration, but more so this country. It seems the damage has been done, even if he is cast away to the shadows the country is in a rough place. What we need is someone who can bring together the great divide that has been forming in this country long before Trump came into office. I wish I could say that this will all pass over, but I don’t see an easy way to move forward.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings, more negative news, more division, more hatred. I have a sinking feeling that it’s going to get much worse before it starts to get better.

I’m Writing a Book

I’ve decided after many years of saying I’m going to do it to finally doing it. I’m writing a book. I haven’t decided if it’s going to be a memoir or a work of fiction.

I may want to blend the truth a bit and keep it fictional, but on the other side I want to put some truth out into the world. I’d like to tell my version of an american experience.

There are so many major points in my life I’d like to tell. I could start on truth and turn it into fiction, keep it more juicy for the reader. I think I prefer to keep it all truth though. I think I want to write a memoir.

*update — I am writing a memoir. I don’t know if I just like saying the word or if I really have something to say. Either way it will be fun to walk down the lanes of history. I’ll be going through some old journals to remember some of the past years and try to consolidate a time frame.

Single on Valentines Day? Live it up, Here’s How

So you find yourself single this Valentine’s Day, you could sit home in your bathrobe with a half gallon of Turkey Hill ice cream and watch marathon after marathon of yesteryear’s shows on Netflix with your cat or dog like you did last year, or you can wake up like it’s just a typical Tuesday and decide to make the most out of the day. Here’s a list of 10 things that’ll make you forget all about this multi-billion dollar cash cow of a sudo-holiday and remember you’re a rock star no matter what.

Number 10
Wake up early and go down to the yoga studio you pass by frequently and say, ‘I’m going to stop in one day’ and actually stop in. It’ll stretch you out and open up some of the negative blockers you have holding you back. If anything, you’ll feel more lighter. If yoga isn’t your thing, then put on your running shoes and get out there and start moving. What happened to the NYE resolution about getting in shape that you forgot about the second week of January? This is your second chance. You don’t have to run, just walk at a fast pace, tap on some music and get warmed up. It’s a new day, it’s a new you again.

Number 9
Now that you’ve broken a sweat, its time to grab a light breakfast/brunch. This can be a tricky one since you may be running into couples feeding each other crepes while sitting on one side of the booth like high school freshman with their first crush. You want something healthy after your little work out so fast food is out of the question. You don’t want to cook on your very best day, that’s what we’ll call this from here on out. Find a local coffee shop or a Starbucks if nothing local is close enough and order yourself your favorite beverage and a pastry or sandwich. Ask the barista what kind of specials they are offering. Find a quiet table and read the news, whether it be the physical paper you found on another table or the news app you have on your phone. My only suggestion would be to stay off of Facebook. You don’t need to know who’s getting the chocolates and diamonds, there’s always tomorrow to get the scoop. Remember this day is all about you.

Number 8
Not that you’ve burned some calories, ate some calories, time to go home and shower and put something pretty on cause you’re going to go see an afternoon matinee. There’s all this talk about the next Shades of Grey saga, but you don’t need a date to see it. You can still take notes and use them later once you’ve nabbed yourself a cutie. If a movie doesn’t work for you, then go get a massage. This is another circumstance where you might run into ‘that’ couple drooling over each other while waiting for there couples massage. It’s okay though, you’ve got enough games on that iPhone of yours to keep busy till it’s your turn. Once you get in the room, relax, just let the stress melt away as you get rubbed down.

Number 7
Lets say you had a significant other this year, how much money do you think you would spend on them between presents, food, drinks, possible hotel room? I think its time to take that money and head to the mall. What was that one thing you’ve had your eye on for some time but just haven’t found the reason to splurge on it? Well, today’s the day. Go get that new tech gadget, or that Hermés bag (if you got it like that). Not looking for something new? Maybe go get a spray tan and a new color and cut. Find some way to pamper yourself. You work hard, you deserve this.

Number 6
By now you’re flashing around something new and you’re feeling pretty good. It’s getting late in the afternoon and your thinking about dinner but there isn’t a table open anywhere you want to go. What should you do? Grocery shop! Quickly get on the internet and find a recipe, nothing big or to fancy. It’s only for you but make it a little special, since this is your very best day.

Number 5
Time to cook your sudo gourmet meal. Get everything prepared and get to business. Don’t forget your cooking for one so keep that in mind when you are measuring. Once everything is cooking, get out a nice plate, a wine glass and a couple taper candles to put on your table. Put a little effort in it, make it look nice. If you have linen napkins, today would be a great day to use one. Find that bottle of wine you’ve been holding onto and pop it open, pour a little in your glass and sip while you finish getting everything together. Take some selfies, hashtag, #bestdayever

Number 4
Time to sit down and enjoy the meal you’ve just cooked from scratch. Pop on some music, light the candles. Take it all in. You don’t need some holiday telling you being single is some kind of illness or you have some void in your life. Look back on your day while you eat, you wouldn’t have been able to pamper yourself like this if you had to worry about someone else. And lets be honest, no one knows how to pamper you like you.

Number 3
Now you’ve just eaten dinner, your full, your probably on your second (third?) glass of wine, call it a night or go get some desert? Call an Uber and go to that a fancy hotel or a local bakery in your neighborhood. Jump in the shower and change into a dashing evening outfit.

Number 2
If you choose the hotel route, sit at the bar, order a bourbon or scotch on the rocks. Order a decadent dessert, something you wouldn’t eat on a normal basis. Engage with the bartender, flirt with a neighbor at the bar. Have fun. Be a mystery.

Number 1
On the way home tell the driver some crazy made up story how you almost fought a drag queen who looked just like Beyoncé because she called your purse a knockoff or how you were mistaken for some famous actor. Add a lot of detail and make the driver believe it. When you get home, drink some extra water and reflect on your day, you don’t need a partner to have an amazing day.