I’ve decided after many years of saying I’m going to do it to finally doing it. I’m writing a book. I haven’t decided if it’s going to be a memoir or a work of fiction.

I may want to blend the truth a bit and keep it fictional, but on the other side I want to put some truth out into the world. I’d like to tell my version of an american experience.

There are so many major points in my life I’d like to tell. I could start on truth and turn it into fiction, keep it more juicy for the reader. I think I prefer to keep it all truth though. I think I want to write a memoir.

*update — I am writing a memoir. I don’t know if I just like saying the word or if I really have something to say. Either way it will be fun to walk down the lanes of history. I’ll be going through some old journals to remember some of the past years and try to consolidate a time frame.

It was not a mutual breakup between my now ex boyfriend and myself. It was out of nowhere and it shattered me. After five years I thought we were unbreakable, that this ugly place we had been in was a rut. It would pass. It was something we would weather through. He was not in the same mindset. He had, in fact, been thinking of a way to end it for some time.

At first I didn’t except his termination. I thought there was no way this was ending. We fought for days over it. So much truth was exposed and a lot of horrible things were said. When it all settled and I was more on path with the new direction he and I would be going forward with that’s when my own truth started to surface. All these feelings I had bottled up deep down started to surface, feelings of loneliness, abandonment, bitterness. Feelings that I tried to push aside and ignore so that we could keep pushing forward.

I was in a mindset that this ugly place we were in was only temporary, that we would move past it and would be in sync again. The weeks that followed I felt so angry. All that enmity started to flow out of me. I kept thinking about all the times I downplayed myself and my intelligence to make him feel bigger. This isn’t something new, I always try to gage each situation and find an approach.

I wonder now how I let him have such an influence on me, it’s hard to explain, we were a melting pot. All of the good he had to offer was pushed inward due to past relationships, and the good that I could bring was pushed down by his anatropous past. I knew from the start it would not be something the two of us could sustain in a longterm manner but that didn’t stop me from pushing my agenda.

Together, as friends we were a perfect match. We pushed each other in our weakness’s, and became much better people while we were in the plastic bubble we lived in. All the secrets we shared stayed, we became this safe place for each other and the outside world seemed more of an afterthought, something to do while we were apart.

Life is never simple like this for long, and outside influences made their way into our bubble and started to infect it. It started off small but turned into an incurable virus that plagued us and eventually killed us.

Life is like this, I go from day to day, I look at the same face every morning, I wonder about the cracks and crows feet. I wonder if the dryer is shrinking my clothes or if I’m just getting fat. I check the clock, I grab a shake out of the fridge, say bye and race out the door to beat traffic. I work till exactly 10 minutes before rush hour and pray, everyday, that people are working late so I can make it home in less then an hour. I get stuck in traffic and I check emails and pay bills, I catch up with friends, take selfies. I get bored, I get angry, I start to move, then I’m home. I walk my dog, I talk on the phone. I check the mail. I go for a run. I shower, I cook dinner. I sit down. We talk, mindless chatter. I lay around before I go to bed.

In the moments between this daily routine are the things that matter most to me. When I get lost in memories of the moments of our lives when we are not living like rats. Those few moments in life when we are free to be together and be alive. Those times when the world around us continues and we step outside of it. When it’s just you and I. These are the best moments for me. Life is random and life is beautiful. When you’re surrounded by the right people you flourish.

A dear friend of mine posted a photo on Facebook of her and I from timehop from four years old. The photo was of her and I at a birthday party for myself. The night was perfect. I had my closest friends around me for a dinner and bar hopping after. She captioned the photo “wow, I can’t believe that was four years ago!”. When I opened Facebook and saw the photo I thought the same thing, how could that have been four years ago? It feels like yesterday I was surrounded by my friends, making plans for weekends or hosting wine and vodka parties at my house.

This made me think of a couple things. One, where has the time went? Two, how much I have changed since that wonderful night. How much the things around me have changed as well. I no longer live in that location with all my friends. I left several years ago looking for something I wasn’t getting in that area. I left behind so much more then I thought at the time. The best people, who I am still in constant contact with.

When that photo captured the two of us I was very lost in the world. I never told any of my friends how I felt. I walked around so self-conscious of myself I would often make myself sick. Back then I was a shell of who I am now. I was so unsure of myself. I had been pushed down and put away by so many people my whole life that I didn’t start to come alive in my own skin, my own being until well into my late 20’s. And even then I felt extremely insecure about who I was. I never felt I measured up to the people around me.

When I look back at that time I realize it wasn’t the people around me that I wasn’t measuring up to, it was me. I wasn’t living a genuine life. I was going through the motions, waking up everyday, going to the gym, going to work, coming home, cooking food. Living day to day with no real direction. I was at a job I had been at for over ten years and was burnt out from it. I was so unsatisfied. I knew I wanted a major change in my life but I had no idea what I wanted to change.

What I began to realize was that I had outgrown the north east. There was nothing left for me to accomplish there. I needed something new. I needed a challenge. I needed the energy of a big city but somewhere warm. I had to get out of the cold, I had to head south.

The list I had was pretty small. I wanted a big city without the feel of living in a big city. I wanted a low cost of living and I wanted long hot summers. Without really knowing, I had already unconsciously picked Texas. The idea of Texas has always lingered in the back of my mind. When I was young I flew out to Houston to visit friends of my mothers and something about that trip stuck with me. I had this fantasy of living in the big state and having this carefree easy way of life.

It’s been almost three years now that I’m living in Texas, I didn’t pick Houston, but the choice that I made has not been a regret. It is very much what I pictured in the fantasy I had growing up, along with things I didn’t foresee, like traffic. Being out here, so far from what I called home for so many years, has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There have been many times I felt alone and helpless. Other times I felt like I was making strides in the right direction. Through all of the ups and downs I never regretted my choice.

It is a beautiful place to be and the the area is blowing up with people from all over the country. There is so much diversity I strived to find in other places. The area is filled mostly with kindness, and some hold on to their southern politeness. Through it all I’ve become a stronger more focused person. I have discovered what I truly want out of my time here and take steps towards that everyday.

These days, it seems, to be taken serious as a writer you need to have a blog. When I was younger I had one, when online journaling was still new and everyone had something to say. It had some immature name that I can no longer remember or care to know what things I published to it.

So this is my attempt to establish myself on a more serious nature. This will mostly be my thoughts and opinions on the world as it involves me. hope you enjoy.

Paul Sears